The Devolution of English

I'll admit it. I misuse the English language sometimes. I occasionally puncture my e-mails with "gonnas" and "haftas." But by the same token, I don't think that the ambalance will supposably orientate itself in case of a mergency.

Some people would tell you that I'm just a snob when it comes to the use of proper English. As if my being a lawyer wasn't enough to make some people hate me outright. My argument, however, is that I KNOW the difference between the short cuts I use and "The Queen's English." Even though I'm a 'merican, I can choose whether to speak American or English, right?

Well, apparently the devolution of the English language is not occurring just in United States. A recent survey of teachers in the UK revealed that two-thirds of the test takers made basic mistakes regarding the placement of apostrophes, while 8 percent couldn't get the use of I and ME straight.

This is just plain sad. Am I being too harsh? Is it just a reality that our language will devolve into some bastard form of its original self? Will I, one day, listen to my grandchildren and wonder what the hell they're saying (minus the whole potential for needing a hearing aid, of course)?

Apparently we can't trust all of our teachers to TEACH our children the fundamentals. So, that leaves the blame with us for not making it a priority in our own lives.

I guess I'm not gonna take it any more. I guess it's going to be a long road ahead.


P.S. If you want to test your own knowledge, there's a link in the article to 10 of the questions asked of these teachers. Take the test before you read the full article, though, as the article contains some spoilers. I'm proud to say I got 10 out of 10.

When in Rome....

I LOVE cynicism. It makes me laugh...and this article was just the ticket for me. Instead of news stories about Brit and K-Fed, this author decided to address how different the world would be if "familiar, comforting homespun proverbs were literally true."

He picked "every cloud has a silver lining," "a watched pot never boils," "a cat has nine lives," and "the pen is mightier than the sword" to address.

But he just wasn't cynical enough, damn it. So, here's my own stab at weakening some old proverbs:

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? If you have, you'll know that the reality is that "absence makes the loins grow hotter." Now, whether you can keep your pants on or not is not the subject of this proverb...but my heart certainly never grew "fonder" upon absence. Maybe "bitter" or "lonely," but never "fonder."

All's fair in love and war.

If this were literally true, then I don't think we'd be in such an uproar about the Iraq war. I mean, after all, we would've nuked the hell out of Saddam (instead of dragging him out of a hole) and then said, "well, all's fair Saddam. All's fair."

Of course, if all were fair in love, well, then we'd either all be good looking (e.g., fair), or every husband that forgot a birthday/anniversary, etc. would be off-the-hook. I don't think that's happening any time soon. Sorry guys.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

This proverb is old-fashioned and needs to be changed to keep up with the times. How about "No insurance today keeps the doctor away."

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

This might be a stretch, but what do you think lead to Mick Jagger's "throat problems?" The guy's so old I think moss has been growing inside of him.

Plus, you've got the Keith Richard's brain hemorrhage after falling out of a tree to gather coconuts. I bet there was MOSS on that tree...come on folks, why else would this otherwise "healthy" guy fall out of a tree? hmmm?

What's done can't be undone.

Bill Gates took care of this one. It's called "Ctrl-Z" or "undo."

Plus, if this were true, then what would be the point of "sending a message to the President" by allowing Democrat control of the House and the Senate? The American public clearly is seeking to debunk this proverb by their own voting ways....


But enough from me....Anyone care to debunk any of their favorites?

Life's Lessons

So, I recently stumbled across this article, which points out the author's view on 8 important lessons learned from 80s cartoons.

The lessons include: (1) Communism works, (2) spinach is good for you, (3) knowing is half the battle, (4) trust no one, (5) it's OK to be gay, (6) grrls rock, (7) April O'Neil is really hot, and (8)if we're not careful robots will kill us all.

Extra bonus kudos if you can name the cartoons that taught each of these lessons without reading the article first. Sorry folk, no prizes on this blog.

I don't know about you, but cartoons in the 80s left me satisfied as an child, but now perplex me as an adult. In fact, the questions still burn inside me (and no, that's not the chili I ate for dinner last night). For example:

CURIOUS GEORGE: Just what was George so curious about? He just seemed to be mischievious to me. He didn't seem to want to get to the bottom of any societal questions or even want to delve into a greater understanding of his own actions. He was just hyper. That's it.

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: What made Alvin the leader? Why did Simon and Theodore follow him so blindly? Simon was clearly smarter and Theodore clearly nicer. Last -- why am I not embarrassed to admit I owned almost every album (vinyl baby) released by these cartoon characters in the 80s?

HEATHCLIFF V. GARFIELD: Why was there no trademark battle between the owners of Heathcliff and Garfield? Who could have eaten more lasagna? Who would've won in a cat fight?

RAINBOW BRITE: Was she the start of the whole "rainbow" movement for the gay community?

CARE BEARS: Just why did they care so much?

If these are the things that keep my up at night, I'm in trouble once my daughter is old enough to watch the Wiggles, aren't I?

At last.....

...my love has come along,
my lonely days over,
and life is like a song...

Etta James

Ok, Ok, I've been on a blogger break. Sporadic comments and not-even-sporadic writing. Sorry you all. I've just been UNMOTIVATED.

But, now my energy's back and I feel like writing again. Thanks for sticking with me folks.

Before I get into the meat of it, so to speak, I'll give you a little update (since Ben wanted to know how my "bump" was doing!):

I'm doing great and feeling great. I'm officially over half-way through my pregnancy. The Antidote and I just found out a few weeks ago that we're having a girl. I'm so excited. Even though the Antidote said he just wanted a healthy baby, I think a little part of him was wishing for a boy. During the ultrasound, when no "boy parts" were detected he leaned over, placed his hand on my leg and sweetly said, "You always get what you want don't you?"

My response was, naturally, "uh...yeah? It's taken you this long to realize it?" :-)

But enough about me....

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All of you guys out there that complain about there being no "truth in advertising" (because women are constantly trying to push, pull, tuck, and lift themselves to be beautiful) had better do some soul searching.

An Australian underwear maker with the brilliant name of Aussiebum has come up with the Wonderjock for men.

"The design of the underwear separates and lifts. The fabric cup protrudes everything out in front instead of down towards the ground."

I don't know about you, but I always thought men were supposed to go to the right or the left AND down...not out front. When I've seen one "out front," it's usually been at attention, so to speak! At any rate, men with size complexes may now have an option, other than stuffing old tube socks in there. Sure, you're falsely advertising the size of your...ahem...area, but how's that different from the Wonderbra?

I'm thinking that next on the agenda will be a market for making a man's hands and/or feet look bigger. After all, you know what they say about a man who has big hand/feet?

He wears big gloves/shoes.