Geographic Ignorance

I'm sure plenty of other bloggers have written about this phenomenon in the past. But, it is something that continues to amaze me. Particularly here, in the United States, we seem to have some mental block toward learning geography outside of how to get from our house to the local liquor store in the quickest way possible. Not that this knowledge isn't useful, but you'd think people would be a little more interested in our place in the world.

The Antidote, if you didn't know it before, was born and raised in Canada. I'll admit that I didn't know much about Canada until I met him, but I certainly (a) knew where it was and (b) knew how large it was.

Apparently, I was well ahead of the learning curve, based on an e-mail I recently received that both made me laugh and cry.

Here's a reproduction:
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Some of you may remember the saying "A stupid question deserves a stupid answer." Here it goes. Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!!

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. The answers are a joke but the questions were really asked.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-DA is that big country to your North... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is, oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

I'm Moving to Ulyanovsk

Where in the world is Ulyanovsk, you ask? Oh, it's only in Russia.

My decision to move is precipitated by the Ulyanovsk governor's "Give Birth to a Patriot" campaign. In a recent move that would make John Holmes proud, the governor ordered workers in Ulyanovsk to "go home to your love one, relax, and let nature take its course."

Not only that, if you time it right and conceive in time to give birth on June 12 -- Russia's Independence Day -- you could win prizes ranging from appliances to a 4WD vehicle.

WOO HOO. Who doesn't want a day off to make whoopie? (That's a rhetorical question people). Add that fringe benefit onto the possibility of winning prizes? Well, hell, that makes Russia seem like a downright hospitable place to live.

The biggest move has come from President Putin, though. Apparently Putin has promised $9,599 to ever mother who gives birth to a second child.

Russian politicians are urging citizens to start, well, rushin' to the bedroom after census reports showed that there were 793,000 more deaths than births in 2004. Apparently people just aren't interested in procreating in a society where you have to stand in line for toilet paper. Imagine that.

So, I'm considering a move. We'll just have to see what the Antidote thinks about that.....

Germaphobe

The Antidote and I went to Las Vegas this last weekend for my sister's wedding. Vegas is "ok" to me, but nothing all that exciting. Especially since I can't drink. UGH.

At one point during the trip, however, my sister and I are in the bathroom and she says to me, "When did we become such germaphobes?"

She was prompted to say this, of course, because we were both ferociously washing our hands after touching the slot machines in the casino.

I decided that we became germaphobes "back in the day" when mom told us never to sit on a public toilet seat. We were indoctrinated early into the "squat and hover" technique that most women use in public restrooms. The fact that we lived overseas for so long during our childhood really helped...since a lot of public restrooms in Asia consist of porcelain around a hole in the ground. You have no option BUT to squat and hover.

It turns out that I chose a good career for a germaphobe. According to some freaky survey, lawyers have the least germy desks, when compared to teachers, accountants, bankers, radio DJs, doctors, television producers, consultants, and publicists. Why they picked this list of professions, I have no idea.

After all this time, I was convinced my mom wanted me to become a lawyer because it was a "respectable" job. Now I know the real truth.

What I Was Doing...and What I Am Doing

I arrived at the parking garage to my office building this morning at 6:00 a.m., realizing that I left my damn office keys and badge at home. Sure, they'll let me in the building...at 8:00 a.m. So, I had to drive the 30 minutes home, get my act together, and drive back.

I also realized, as I was refueling my car this morning, that I couldn't find one of my credit cards. Great.

All in all -- I'm thinking to myself -- this is a pretty shitty day.

But while in the car, and now after looking over some other Bloggers sites, I'm a little ashamed of myself.

I realized this morning that it was 9/11, but it wasn't the first thing that crossed my mind. I don't feel bad about that...I feel glad that things have moved on to the point where it's not the first thing I think of any more. But, I'm a little embarrassed that I was feeling so sorry for myself for my silly little issues, when others are truly hurting today.

So, I take a moment to remember what I was doing then:

On this day, 5 years ago, I was working for a law firm in Washington, D.C. I was only a few blocks from the White House...a really beautiful part of the city. I had an early teleconference with people in New York. As we're going on about the deregulation of the electric and natural gas industries (riveting, I know), one of the guys that is in New York said, "Hey, something just happened to the World Trade Center." All the jabbering stopped as we waited for him to report what happened. Luckily, he was not near the twin towers, but was watching CNN when it all happened. We hear him gasp and he says, "I've got to go."

At that moment, we all terminate the phone call. I call out to the other people in the office -- they already had the TV on. We watched the events unfold with horror.

Then we felt the building shake. We didn't get it. Newscasters were reporting rumors that the State Department had been hit. Outside one of the partner's windows we see smoke rising from the direction of the Pentagon. We didn't realize what it was at that time, but found out later.

About 5 minutes later, as we are all shocked and trying to figure out what to do, the Secret Service entered our building and told everyone to evacuate because of our proximity to the White House.

One of the other attorneys welcomed me into her home...she lived about 10 blocks away. I did not know how I would get back to Virginia. As we walked in silence to her house, I alternately tried calling my husband and my National Guard unit. I knew my husband was safe...I wasn't sure I was so safe. And I wasn't even sure how much time I would have to see him if my Guard unit was mobilized to take care of whatever needed to be done.

Hours later I finally reached my husband...and the rest of my family. We thanked God that everyone we personally knew was ok. I reached my Guard unit...we were not going to be called up. After receipt of that news, I was finally able to get on the Metro to go home. My husband and I were near tears when we saw each other...so happy to be together, safe and sound.

But, it all comes full circle to what I am doing now...

As I told you above, I was in a crappy mood today until I realized just how lucky I am. I'm lucky to be alive, to have a beautiful house, to have the most amazing husband in the world, to be employed, and most of all ... and yes, this is new news fellow Bloggers ... I'm lucky to be almost 15 weeks pregnant. The Antidote and I are expecting our first child some time around March 5, 2007.

So, I REFUSE to mourn today. Don't look upon my harshly. Of course, I mourn for all of those families and people that are not as lucky to have gotten through 9/11 as unscathed as I did. But I mourn for them every day.

Instead, I choose to celebrate life today. To celebrate my life, the lives of those I love, the lives of those I don't know who deserve to be loved..and the little life growing inside of me.

And yes, today I will even celebrate the lives of those I hate and the lives of those whom I don't know, but who deserve to be hated...because to me, that's the best slap in the face of all. Five years ago those terrorists tried to steal our lives, our love, and our honor. Don't let them do it. Don't let them win.