Just Say "NO!"

Who needs to to Just Say "NO!" to work? I guess these people do. I don't know about you, but I have no problem just saying "no" to work....after all, that's what blogging's for, right?

But, this article got me thinking (do you smell the gears turning?). What other things in life do we just need to say "NO!" too? Here's my personal list:

(10) Posting any more pictures of Britney Spears naked, pregnant, and giving birth. I don't want to to make you all sick, after all.

(9) Premium water front property in New Oreleans.

(8) Comb overs. The Antidote and I saw this guy the other day that had one that, no joke, would have gone past his shoulders if it wasn't swept over his noggin. I'm going to scream "NO!" and run away quickly every time I see one now.

(7) IHOP. You have no idea what this restaurant does to me.

(6) Shopping online. It's just too easy and there are SO many goodies! Admitting I have a problem is the first step, right?

(5) Tele-donation requests. We have a no call list in VA, but the "5th precinct friends and family of retired police and fireman society" is always calling and asking for money. I'm going to take a friend of mine's approach...speak in a non-language when they call. They apparently stay on the line even if they don't understand you...but at least I'll get a chuckle out of confounding them.

(4) Obsessively checking my e-mail. Every two minutes I check to see if I have another e-mail. And, of course, I don't. Because everyone else is WORKING, not checking their e-mail.

(3) Candy. I am, of course, referring to children's favorite treat, not a stripper in Vegas. I need to deal with the fact that I'm 31 years old and I can't go running to the store every time I'm out of candy. But I LOVE candy. Ahh....candy.

(2) American Idol. But I am obsessed with this show. What is wrong with me?!

And the top thing I need to just say "NO!" too?

(1) Having that third martini on an empty stomach. Because if I don't say "NO," I'll be saying "one martini, too martooni, three martinini, floor."

I'm Not That Innocent(UPDATED)

Oh we all know Britney isn't innocent. But sculptor Daniel Edwards is taking it a little too far. This most recent "exposure" leaves nothing to the imagination.

Yes folks, that's a sculpture of a naked Britney, on a bear skin rug. But what you can't really see in the picture is that this is a depiction of a pregnant naked Britney. Giving birth.

Apparently there's a little surprise if you go around the back side of the statute.

The tag line to the article says that this "Britney Sculpture of Birth Causes Stir." I'm sure it is. A stir in the loins of every young man that sees this thing in Brooklyn.

The sculptor did not ask Britney's permission to use her likeness. Personally, I'm not all that sure it looks like her. But I hear that his next project, entitled "White Trash Wedding," will be a depiction of Britney riding a bucking bronco with a face like Kevin Federline.

**************UPDATE****************

Just in case you're a glutton for punishment, here's a side view showing the sculpture in all its pregnancy glory.


You're welcome.

In all Seriousness

So, I usually write satirical-style pieces about news or things that cross my mind during my day.

BUT, this article, well it spoke to me.

Apparently there is a public school in in Arlington, Virginia that is bringing parents and kids together in the pursuit of getting to know each other better through writing and sharing stories.

I wish there had been something like that when I was a kid. It's taken me 30 years to really get to know my parents. And I'm sure there is still a lot I don't know. But programs like this should be encouraged, sought after, and if they don't exist in your area, created by you.

I've only been blogging for about one month now. But I have to say, that at times it consumes me. I enjoy writing...but more than that, I enjoy having an audience to share it with. Whether people like my writing is not the point. Rather, its the exercise of finding a connection with people around you in a world where we're too easily derailed from making contact with the people around us.

In short -- "thanks for giving me an outlet" and "please stick around" even when I get sappy like this.

Happy Blogging!

Pillow talk

There is nothing I enjoy more than a little pillow talk. But, I'm an extremely heavy sleeper. So, there are times when The Antidote is having a full-on conversation with me....and I have NO IDEA. The best time for him to get my attention is BEFORE I fall asleep.

It's not that I don't care. No. I'm just a heavy sleeper. When I go to sleep, I'm asleep. When I wake up, I'm awake. I'm lucky.

This lady...well, she she wouldn't be in this mess if she slept more heavily. Apparently, in the middle of the night, she heard her husband utter the word "talaq" three times in his sleep.

So, of course, she told everyone.

But do you know what that means? (I didn't either).

They're now divorced. When the local Islam leaders caught wind, they said the husband's words constituted a divorce under the "triple talaq" rule. I can GUARANTEE Christians do NOT have a corresponding rule

I shudder to think about the weird things I might have uttered in my sleep. Perhaps I shouldn't worry so much since my most recent dream consisted of me trying to remember my credit card number for over an hour while trying to buy gatorade at a gas station. But still.

Lessons to learn here:

(1) Pillow talk is private.

(2) What's said in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.

(3) And last but not least....Shut up.

WineOH!

Hell is freezing over. Pigs are going to fly...and monkeys just might start flying out of my butt. But most shocking of all...porn stars are going legit.

Or at least that's what it seems, when you consider that Savanna Samson is entering the wine industry.

It's the first time Savanna is entering something that hasn't entered her first.

Her interview with reporter Daniel Trotta is priceless.

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Savanna: "I never wanted to just do gimmick. That would just happen with me being a porn star, me having a photographer shoot the label, how risque could I get on the label -- all those things."

But she is a porn star. And she did have a photographer take an alluring picture of her for the label. And the picture on the label looks like a naked woman who is pleasuring herself. So what part of this is not gimmick?

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Savanna: "I knew I wanted Roberto to make my wine -- I just love his passion for wine."

I'm sure that's what Roberto was thinking when he agreed to this project. His passion...for wine.

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Savanna: The wine "really represents who I am...There's spiciness -- the Cesanese has the naughty side of me. And yet it's an elegant wine. I love the opera, and I'm a classically trained ballet dancer. And there is some chocolate undertone, which I just love. There's a little bit of sweetness. Like, 10 percent of the time I'm sweet."

If she's sweet 10% of the time, I'm curious (not bi-curious people) about how the 90% is divided up between her spiciness and elegance. I would imagine that elegance gets the short end of the stick. And if elegance is getting the short end of the stick, where is the long end of the stick?

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Savanna: "My priest said in Mass once, 'Violence or pleasures of the flesh. What is the greater of two evils?' I think we all know the answer. I felt like he was saying that toward me."

Savanna, honey. If that's what you're worried about, forget wine. Star in a new porn entitled "The Little Altar Boy." Your priest will worship you.

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Savanna:(Regarding her parents' reaction to her job choice)
"They were so devastated. They were terribly, terribly upset."

I can't imagine why. Doesn't every parent wish for their daughter to soar to new heights? I guess they just don't want see their daughter soaring to heights of passion, or soaring in a love swing.

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Savanna:(On her motivation for this project)
"I wanted to do something that my parents could be proud of."

Because going into the wine industry is going to make them forget that you ride the wild pony for a living. And that you're so good at it that you won best actress in the Adult Video News Awards. And don't forget that scene with Jenna Jameson in "The Masseuse."

Savanna's parents must be so proud.

Hungry?Take a Bite Out Of This...

There's a whole new facet to McGruff the Crime Dog's "Take a Bite Out of Crime." In fact, it appears that irate people are taking this advice to heart. Just look at some examples:

(1) A woman in Milwaukee, Wisconsin bit off more than she could chew when she bit off a police officer's finger.

(2) A woman in Celina, Ohio bit off a man's tongue. The crowning statement in this article? "Police say Mescher and Ringo had been involved in a relationship." You think? How the hell else did she get his tongue in her mouth?

(3) A man (yes folks, its not just women doing the biting) in Benton, Arkansas bit a police officer on the hand. The police officer was just trying to retrieve the cocaine that fell out of the man's pocket! Jeesh!

(4) An HIV-positive man in West Chester, New York was just found guilty of four counts of assault by prisoner and aggravated harassment by prisoner; six counts of simple assault; three counts of terroristic threats; and one count each of burglary, criminal trespassing and resisting arrest after he allegedly spit at and bit police officers. There's still a dispute on whether he was spitting AT them, or just evacuating all of his bodily fluids because of the massive amounts of pepper spray used on him. The biting occurred AFTER all this, so no excuses from this Chucky-wannabe.

(5) In Palm Beach, Florida, a grown woman punched and bit her parents in a drunken rage. Now how many of us hasn't wanted to do that?

(6) In Louisville, Kentucky, a teacher bit one of her students. And not in the playful "love bite" sort of way. Although, she did have him pinned on the ground when she bit him.

This new trend is just gnawing at me. It appears that each person who was victim to the bitings above bit the bullet and braved their injuries. But I'm sure they are just chomping at the bit for some revenge.

Mr. and Mrs. Gonzales

Our neighbors to the south get a bum rap. Everyone's always talking about the U.S. this, the U.S. that. Why don't we think for a moment on all of the Mexican things that are being imported into our country that American's love:

(1) Ricky Martin
(2) J Lo
(3) The Yo Quiero Taco Bell Dog
(4) Elian Gonzales

Wait. Elian was from Cuba wasn't he? Oops. My bad. How about replacing Elian with Menudo? Oh wait, that's where Ricky Martin came from right? Ok, I've got it....Cinco De Mayo.

Anyway, all of these ?positive? influences and what do we have to give back to our southerly neighbors? American movies.

That's right folks, American movies. In fact, they are being played out right on the streets of Mexico City as we speak. Take for example, the story of a Mexican couple, attempting to reenact the movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith. In their excitement over the flick, both are now recovering from a marital spat that involved guns, throwing knives, and homemade bombs.

That's a lot of pent up anger.

Apparently, when questioned later by reporters, Juan Espinosa said he was glad his wife had suffered burns. Mrs. Contreras, in her best Lorena Bobbitt imitation, told reports that she was only sorry that she hadn't "hacked off his [Espinosa's] manhood" during the fight.

The marriage must be doomed to fail, since they're not willing to die for one another.

I got 7 out of 10

Came across this great quiz.

Can you tell the difference between programming language inventors and serial killers?

Frighteningly enough, I only got 7 out of 10. Three of the sneaky bastards eluded me. Still, as the quiz so eloquently put it:

I know my java beans from my fava beans.

So, how did you do?

Ode to the"Criminally Stoopid"

Siren Siren, sing me a song! Those of you that know Siren, know that she has taken a break from blogging. When I ran across this article, I just had to share in honor of her.

****************************************************************

Here's my account of how it went down....

---------------------------
Crook 1: "Dude, let's go set fire to some cars."

Crook 2: "I dunno man...my ribs are still bruised from that time we tried to knock over the cows in Farmer Smith's field."

Crook 1: "Come on, pussy."

Crook 2: "Ok, if we're going to do this, let's do it right. Let's steal Jimmy's car and burn it."

Crook 1: "Ok. That sounds good. I saw this thing on TV where you can build a bomb outta a light bulb. I'm gonna call my mom and ask her how they did it."

Crook 1 presses the speed dial on his phone....

Crook 2: "It's gonna burn...will they be able to get fingerprints?"

Crook 1: "I've got the lighter, Dude. Let's go."

and four more hours of conversation ensues....

---------------------------
Of course, Crook 1 had unknowingly pressed the speed dial for 911. As he and his buddy plotted their arson attempt, the cops caught it all on tape.

Now that's Criminally Stoopid.

I Smell a Rat....

Sorry for the siesta folks! Actually -- I couldn't access my dashboard. Talk about freaking out without my blogging fix! At any rate, I'm back...

*************************************************************

Apparently Chinese technology is so sophisticated and advanced that they are eschewing DNA as a means of catching criminals. To hell with collecting blood, or semen, or hair from crime scenes. The wave of the future is all about relying on your olfactory perception.

The city of Nanjing is the location for the first human body odor bank. Apparently, the police will use this bank to compare various scent samples from crime scenes to identify stinky perpetrators. According to the founder of the bank, though, scent samples only stay fresh for three years.

Yes, people, B.O. lasts for at least three years. That’s the fact that scared me the most. But it DOES explain why after eating at Taco Bell I just can’t get the scent of chalupas out of my hair.

This new technique is going to open up a whole rash of cleanliness among criminals. Gone are the days of only worrying about leaving behind prints. Now the beans you ate for dinner will be the evidence you leave behind.

Of course, it all comes back to Helen Keller. After all, she’s the one that told us that, ”Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousands of miles and all the years you have lived.”

If you’re not careful, though, those thousands of miles you cross will leave you hanging in a Chinese prison.

Move Over Pope - the Dali Lama is Comin' Through

The Catholic church has taken a lot of flack lately. The considerable scrutiny due to ever growing accusations of altar boys every where has shocked Catholics and non-Catholics alike. The scandal has made the Church cannon fodder for critics and comedians every where.

Despite the bad press, this bad mojo is spreading to other religions. It appears that this molestation sex trend trandescends Catholicism, as evidenced by the Buddhist priest recently arrested for engaging in sex with a minor in Tokyo.

Talk about bad Feng Shui.

But not all the blame lies with the priest. After all, he met the young girl through a "prostitue-dispatch service." Not that it makes it OK to have sex with a 15 year old...but it was the girl's job! He was doing his part to feel up the economy.

No doubt this scandal will have the girl questioning her lot in life. Well, if she ever needs another job, she could always move to Brazil and host a talk-show on WHOR FM, a radio station for and by prostitutes.

Beautyv.Beast

My first guest blog. *SIGH* I guess we all grow up some day. :-)

People Say theDarndest Things

Do you remember that show Kids Say the Darndest Things? It was hosted by Bill Cosby. He would interview kids and try to get them to say funny things.

I’ve decided that it’s not just kids though. People say the darndest things. As I get a big kick out of the stupid stuff people do and say, I’ll occasionally just list them for your reading pleasure.

JUDGE BILLY MADISON
In an Order Denying Motion for Incomprehensibility a Bankruptcy Judge from the Western District of Texas, San Antonio Division, cites the Adam Sandler classic, Billy Madison. It’s hysterical. I confirmed it – this is no hoax:

"...At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought..."

I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!
The existence of a Kurdish family living in southern Turkey that walks on all fours has evolutionary psychologists and biologists more excited than kids in a candy shop. Jemima Harrison (yes, that’s her real name) of Passionate Productions (you can click on the link at work, it’s a company that makes documentaries people. Get your mind out of the gutter) is responsible for a documentary about the family that will air on BBC on March 17. Ms. Harrison eloquently assured us that these people deserve to be loved:

“They walk like animals and that’s very disturbing at first. But we were also very moved by this family’s tremendous warmth and humanity.”

THREE'S COMPANY, FOUR'S A HAPPY MARRIAGE?
Apparently there is a new show on HBO called Big Love about the trials and tribulations of being a polygamist. Appropriate name for the show. At any rate, the main character is played by Bill Paxton, who is quoted as saying the following about his trio of wives:

“It’s not easy staying on top of them...”

IT’S TIME TO PUMP – YOU UP!
Barry Bonds right after his grand jury testimony was leaked to the press:

“All you guys lied! All of y'all and the story have lied. Should you have asterisks behind your name? All of you lied. All of you have said something wrong. All of you have dirt. When your closet's clean, then come clean somebody else's..."What did I do? What did I do? What are you going to apologize for when you're wrong? This is old stuff. I mean, it's like watching Sanford and Son. It's just rerun after rerun after rerun. It's almost comical, basically. We've got alcohol that's the No. 1 killer in America, and we legalize that. You've got tobacco, No. 2 or 3 killer in America. We legalize that. There's other issues. It's become Hard Copy all day long. Are you guys jealous? Are you upset? Disappointed? What? ..."

I can’t even comment. He makes NO sense. Click here for more asinine comments from Barry Bonds.

AND THE WINNER IS.........

BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP HAVE YOU ANY….???
I can’t even elaborate on this one. It stands all on its own. The statement:

“You caught me Alan, I tried to fuck your sheep.”

This statement was later followed by another, less shocking statement (made to the police):

“I probably do need some help….”

Click here to read more about this story, if you dare.

God Bless Us,Everyone

Could Jesus have been a gay vampire?

This was a topic of discussion among a group of friends recently. Well, not really a topic of discussion...but rather a derivation of a weird comment made by yours truly. But it DID get me thinking.

Now, if you’re going to be offended at my jibes at religion, then stop reading now. I’m only going to offend you, if I haven’t already. If you’re an atheist, you probably won’t care about what you read, so read on. And if you’re an anarchist, well, forward this on to all of your Christian friends.

At any rate, here are my thoughts:

The obvious signs that point to Jesus being a vampire are well known and have been discussed in much detail:

(1) Resurrection. This is an easy one folks.

(2) The meal of flesh and blood. ‘Nuff said.

The not so obvious signs?

(1) The Roman soldier who staked Jesus in the side/heart with a spear. There are different theories here. The first is that this was a mercy killing, which has been likened to a need to “stake” a vampire to kill him. The second theory is that this soldier was condemned to a life of endless wandering, after contact with the blood of Jesus makes him immortal. This is explored in a series of fictional books written by Barry Sadler chronicling the life of this soldier, whom he dubbed Casca, the Eternal Soldier. I read these when I was in high school. Interesting topics, although I didn’t make the vampire connection until now.

(2) Jesus' transformation into a dove. Ok, so this one has a little less support. It's unclear (the reference occurs around John 1:32) whether this is Jesus transforming into a dove or if the dove is God's messenger. If it was the former, this physical transformation into a flying being has much support in vampiric lore. True vampires are able to shape shift into any form...not just the form of bats. I haven't heard anything about blood thirsty doves recently, although see The Phoenix's blog here about blood thirsty rabbits. Maybe this is just the beginning.

Ok, so Jesus may have been a vampire. But what about the tie between Jesus and homosexuality? Consider this:

(1) The movie Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. I haven’t seen this, but apparently the premise involves the Lamb being called to Ottawa to save Canadian lesbians. Although He’s a “vampire hunter” in this depiction, this doesn’t negate the argument that He may well have been a vampire himself. After all, that storyline has been told before, e.g., Blade.

(2) Anne Rice. Although people believe that Anne Rice’s recent jump from preternatural subjects to religion is a stretch – I don’t buy it. Her prolific writing on both homosexuality (ala Cry to Heaven) and Vampires is just too much to be a mere coincidence. And this “new” search into creationism isn’t her first foray into the world of Jesus. Do you remember the scene where the vampire LeStat sucks the lifeblood out of Jesus in Memnoch the Devil? Hello?! How do you think Jesus BECAME a vampire? Anne Rice made him that way people!

(3) This one requires you NOT to believe that the Holy Grail is Mary Magdelene's blood line. So leave Dan Brown's books at the door. Some people have claimed that since Jesus didn't have a wife and surrounded himself by male disciples...well...what red blooded man would do that if he weren't trying to, well, you know?

(4) In connection with #3 above, if Catholic priests are trying to live in the image of God and Jesus...well then, there you have it.

My conclusions have been drawn. As I leave you to your own thoughts on the issue, I also leave you with a short list of other resources:

Jesus Was Gother Than You. A funny take on the topic that I tried hard not to duplicate, but wish I had come up with first.

A two book series: Vampire Vow and Vampire Thrall , by Michael Schiefelbein. Explore the author’s take on Jesus being gay and a vampire.

The Last Days of Christ the Vampire, by J.G. Eccarius. The title says it all.

Van-i-T

I h8 VanIT PL8S. They irrit8 me. Why CMUNIK8 with the WRLD in this way? Do people really care that you're a FUNGUY? Or that you're H8NLIFE? Tell it to your therapist man, not me...on the highway...going 75 mph.

In fact, I h8 VanIT PL8S almost as much as bumper stickers. If I've Got Jesus? isn't that my own business?

My parents both have vanity plates. Any time they are over at my house I want to run out and cover up the ridicuous plates. To make it worse, my dad selected vanity plates that are my parents NAMES. UGH. If I was a teen, I'd be dying with embarrassment. Instead, I think its quaint and stupid. :-)

But I can't stop myself from trying to decipher people's weird messages to the world whenever I see them. It will obsess over it trying to figure them out. And all this, even though I don't care if you're the JenR8R or that you're a NYTMARE.

But this guy? He takes the cake.

So, he creates a vanity plate that looks like a real plate so that the cops won't know its a vanity plate. Then, when he gets a parking ticket and the cops run the plate through the "normal plate" database, they get nothing. nada. zilch. He even went to great lengths trying to conceal the fact that his plates were vanity plates.

The best part about it? This guy used to be an administrative law judge whose job it was to....you got it....adjudicate parking tickets.

NOMRTIX for him. Now he's JLB8 all the way. Actually, he just has to pay fines, but I'm sure we all agree his next plate should read IDIOT.

Looking for Insanity?

In my continuing coverage of murderers and our justice system...

Note: I really am not obsessed with murderers, really. But, I am obsessed with our justice system, so maybe that means I AM obsessed with murderers. That's another blog for another time.

At any rate, apparently if you go on a shooting rampage and kill 13 people, you're too psychotic for execution. Or at least, George Banks is.

Yes, folks. You read right. that's the name of the character Steve Martin played in Father of the Bride. A fact that will, in a moment ring irony bells.

What's great about this story is...a jury rejected an insanity defense when he stood trial. But my take on the situation is that the jury got it wrong.

See, I'm a staunch advocate of the American jury system. I think that it is far better to let one guilty person go free than to incarcerate (only sometimes)and then exonerate (only sometimes) multitudes of innocent people. This is one of those times that a "jury of your peers" just didn't have the full scoop.

If Banks' defense attorney had told the jury the real scoop, they would have AT LEAST granted the guy some consideration for his insanity plea. After all, George Banks was in the midst of being tortured when he lost his mind. Just take a moment to consider his situation. Here's the break-down of his relationship with the 13 people he killed:

He was the baby-daddy to 5 of them.
He as NOT the baby-daddy to 2 of them.
He was the sugar-daddy to 3 of them (his live-in girlfriends)
He was the ex to 1 of them; and
The last 1 was the mother of his ex.

That makes 13. You gotta have at least a little sympathy for the guy. After all, the "Father of the Bride" George Banks couldn't handle his daughter, wife, son, and future son-in-law. Do we expect this George Banks to be any different?

Please don't take my sarcasm to mean that I think these people should've been killed. I truly believe that it is a tragedy that these people died -- and particularly in this way. BUT, can you really blame the man for picking up his AR-15 and shooting? It's enough to drive anyone insane.

This time the justice system corrected itself: "Psychiatrists testified at the competency hearing that Banks has the delusional belief that he has been pardoned and that his psychosis prevented him from making sound decisions." You think? As a prize, George Banks will be awarded a life time in jail being subjected to who-know-what-or-whom. But, who knows. Maybe he'll get a call to appear on Jerry Springer. Now THAT would be newsworthy.