Smokin' at Heaven's Door

Ok. I'm not the only one that really identified with REM's "Losing My Religion," right? Well, the Supreme Court's recent decision about religious drug use has changed my mind entirely.

Apparently, last Tuesday Chief Justic John Roberts authored an opinion from the "high" Court affirming a Brazilian based church's use of a hallucinogenic tea in their ceremonies.

Church members are amped by the decision.

I'm thinking religious leaders need to capitalize on this. I mean, this could be the answer to bringing all the lost sheep back to the flock. Imagine the influx to churches, temples and covens alike:

Good Friday - Crank it up with Jesus

Yom Kippur - Come cleanse with us - foam party at sundown.

Kwanzaa - Let's Get Ripped.

Easter - Candy baskets, they're not just for kids any more.

The Organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - Lay your hands on us. X for all new members.

Oimelc - Ewe's Milk? It just tastes better with 'shrooms.

Open your mind to the possibilities.

DISCLAIMER (of sorts):

I included links for those of you who are as educated in religious matters as I am...and to stave off any complaints from the religious that I am ridiculing their beliefs...sort of.

And for those of you that think I'm too "up-to-date" on those street terms, I've got one word for you. The Internet. Ok, that's two words. Well, here's two more words for you Slang Dictionary.

When Did We Get So Old....

So, you're going to think that I'm obsessed with murderers. I'm not, really. But I ran across another news story this morning that led me to ask myself:

WHEN DID I GET SO OLD?!

Teen angst took an ugly turn when Sarah Kolb, a 17 year old girl, participated in the killing, burning and dismemberment of a classmate. The reason?

Boys.

What the hell? What happened to the days when you giggled behind your schoolbooks at the cute girl/guy passing by your group of friends? When did members of the opposite sex become more important to us than our friends? Sure, you squabbled with your friends about the opposite sex and who was more deserving of that person's attention. But, come on -- to kill over it?!

To make matters worse, it was all premeditated. Kolb wrote about it in a journal BEFORE it happened.

The weirdest part about all of this is that Kolb's accomplice was her ex-boyfriend....whom the victim had dated. Whatever happened to, "sorry, it's just not working out?" Or "I'm not going to date you any more because you're a bitch?" (No -- these words have NOT been said to me...in so many words....)

No, it's now turned into "I only dated you so I could lure you into my car, strangle and beat you to death and then burn and dismember your body?"

I'm certainly not a man-hater by any stretch of the imagination (my husband will be happy to hear that). But where's the solidarity, ladies? If Kolb didn't want the victim to date her ex-boyfriend or her current boyfriend, for that matter, why didn't she just tell her to step off?

Sometimes I avoid reading the newspapers because stories like this just send me over the edge. They remind me just how GREAT I had it as a kid. Sure, I was surly and mean to my parents. And believe me, I did my fair share of stupid things. But I still have distinct memories of friends that consoled me after a bad break up and of my parents forgetting all my transgressions and taking me into their arms when someone was mean to me. Even though life seemed SO BAD at the time, it was my friends and family that carried me through it all.

Does it mean that I'm getting old because I long for the days when kids did not murder their friends, parents, grandparents (whomever) because they were mad at them? Am I a codger because I look at teenagers now and think "how did their parents let them go out of the house like that?" Will I soon be a decrepit 30-something shaking her fist at kids in the neighborhood while shouting, "IN MY DAY......{fill in whatever weirdness "old" people used to say to you as a kid.}"

Even though I don't have kids -- I'd like to some day. But I'm not afraid to admit that stories like this....they scare the hell out of me. Despite my fear, I refuse to believe that I'm old and that I'm the one with the problem. Instead, I'll just continue to believe that the rest of the world is F'd up.

Toilet Rage

Whether we understand it or not, we all know that people kill for a myriad for reasons: war, love, hate, psychosis.

And the feeling is all the more poignant when you live with someone. Whether you want to admit it or not, you've thought at some point or another..."I could kill him/her over X." We don't really mean we want to kill our roomie or SO...or do we?

56 year old Frainklin Paul Crow of Moss Bluff, Florida was pushed over the edge of sanity by his 58-year old roommate Kenneth Matthews. Tired of having the same old argument over and over.....Franklin Paul Crow beat his roommate to death with a hammer.

Oh my god. What did Matthews do? Did he sleep with Crow's woman? Did he borrow his cologne one too many times?

No, Matthews' crime was even more heinous. Even dirtier. Even stinkier.

You see, he didn't replace the TP.

This raises all sorts of questions:

(1) Whose dooty is it to replace the TP? The person who uses the last scrap? Or the person arriving, who knows they are getting ready to use a scrap?

(2) Could this crime of passion have been averted by a simple visit to Toilet Paper World?

(3) Why does a 56 year old man have a 58 year old male "roommate?"

I'm inclined to think there was something else that pissed Franklin off. Maybe he was tired of being number 2 in Matthew's life. Or maybe he was sick of Matthew's potty mouth.

Whether there is a TP shortage in California or not, I suggest that all you little girl scouts and boy scouts carry TP in some form with you at all times. You never know, you just might avert a case of toilet rage.

And guys -- heed the warning -- PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN. You could be next.

Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!

So it's been bothering me (well, not really, but play along please):

Are tadpoles just creepy slimy pre-frogs or are they something more?

Don't worry, you don't have to answer that off the top of your head. I'll give you options:

(1) Galaxy Conceivers;

(2) Solar Anomalies;

(3) A freaky band;

(4) The cause for an inimitable irritating human flaw; OR

(5) Super Killing Machines.

You learn something every day people. It's not that I care that people are taking the kind name of a friendly creature I used to trap and grow as child.

What REALLY freaks me out is that all of these varied sources came up on Google when all I was just trying to do is locate my absolute favorite Deep Thought, by John Handy:

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.


Oh that always makes me laugh. Now what was I saying?

And The ParalysisSets In....

Although I've been lurking since December 2005, I've decided to take the plunge.

At the insistence of the blogsphere's own David Amulet, I've decided to start a'bloggin.

What does that mean to you, dear reader? Well -- it's most likely yet another foray into the nonsensical world and words of an early 30-something woman with a lot on her mind and a desire to remain somewhat-anonymous.

For me -- well, it's an adventure.

By way of introduction, I provide you with the following Poisonous Points:

(1) Curare IS a poison. But it is generally not deadly, only a severe muscle relaxant that results in short term paralysis. Somewhat similiar to the feeling you are currently experiencing while sitting in front of your computer and staring at the screen.

(2) Curare is also the name of a character from the Batman Beyond Cartoon. I am not a cartoon freak ... I just like cartoons. And I liked this character....she's a tough chick...even if she is blue.

(3) I choose to go by "Curare_Z" because I like it....and after all, I can't use "curare" since it's taken (see point 2 above).


To that end....my adventure into the blogsphere awaits....