When in Rome....
I LOVE cynicism. It makes me laugh...and this article was just the ticket for me. Instead of news stories about Brit and K-Fed, this author decided to address how different the world would be if "familiar, comforting homespun proverbs were literally true."
He picked "every cloud has a silver lining," "a watched pot never boils," "a cat has nine lives," and "the pen is mightier than the sword" to address.
But he just wasn't cynical enough, damn it. So, here's my own stab at weakening some old proverbs:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? If you have, you'll know that the reality is that "absence makes the loins grow hotter." Now, whether you can keep your pants on or not is not the subject of this proverb...but my heart certainly never grew "fonder" upon absence. Maybe "bitter" or "lonely," but never "fonder."
All's fair in love and war.
If this were literally true, then I don't think we'd be in such an uproar about the Iraq war. I mean, after all, we would've nuked the hell out of Saddam (instead of dragging him out of a hole) and then said, "well, all's fair Saddam. All's fair."
Of course, if all were fair in love, well, then we'd either all be good looking (e.g., fair), or every husband that forgot a birthday/anniversary, etc. would be off-the-hook. I don't think that's happening any time soon. Sorry guys.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
This proverb is old-fashioned and needs to be changed to keep up with the times. How about "No insurance today keeps the doctor away."
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
This might be a stretch, but what do you think lead to Mick Jagger's "throat problems?" The guy's so old I think moss has been growing inside of him.
Plus, you've got the Keith Richard's brain hemorrhage after falling out of a tree to gather coconuts. I bet there was MOSS on that tree...come on folks, why else would this otherwise "healthy" guy fall out of a tree? hmmm?
What's done can't be undone.
Bill Gates took care of this one. It's called "Ctrl-Z" or "undo."
Plus, if this were true, then what would be the point of "sending a message to the President" by allowing Democrat control of the House and the Senate? The American public clearly is seeking to debunk this proverb by their own voting ways....
But enough from me....Anyone care to debunk any of their favorites?
He picked "every cloud has a silver lining," "a watched pot never boils," "a cat has nine lives," and "the pen is mightier than the sword" to address.
But he just wasn't cynical enough, damn it. So, here's my own stab at weakening some old proverbs:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? If you have, you'll know that the reality is that "absence makes the loins grow hotter." Now, whether you can keep your pants on or not is not the subject of this proverb...but my heart certainly never grew "fonder" upon absence. Maybe "bitter" or "lonely," but never "fonder."
All's fair in love and war.
If this were literally true, then I don't think we'd be in such an uproar about the Iraq war. I mean, after all, we would've nuked the hell out of Saddam (instead of dragging him out of a hole) and then said, "well, all's fair Saddam. All's fair."
Of course, if all were fair in love, well, then we'd either all be good looking (e.g., fair), or every husband that forgot a birthday/anniversary, etc. would be off-the-hook. I don't think that's happening any time soon. Sorry guys.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
This proverb is old-fashioned and needs to be changed to keep up with the times. How about "No insurance today keeps the doctor away."
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
This might be a stretch, but what do you think lead to Mick Jagger's "throat problems?" The guy's so old I think moss has been growing inside of him.
Plus, you've got the Keith Richard's brain hemorrhage after falling out of a tree to gather coconuts. I bet there was MOSS on that tree...come on folks, why else would this otherwise "healthy" guy fall out of a tree? hmmm?
What's done can't be undone.
Bill Gates took care of this one. It's called "Ctrl-Z" or "undo."
Plus, if this were true, then what would be the point of "sending a message to the President" by allowing Democrat control of the House and the Senate? The American public clearly is seeking to debunk this proverb by their own voting ways....
But enough from me....Anyone care to debunk any of their favorites?
You were poisoned by Curare_Z at 9:20 AM
10 Death Spasms:
I have been in a long distance relationship, and it was everything we could do not to get busy with each other right there in the airport(sorry, TMI, I know). But you're right; bitter and lonely were often the feelings I had.
And I never saw Zorro or Duncan McLeod pull a pen out of their pocket...
I think they're all excellent and made me laugh.
"A bad workman always blames his tools"
Then why has only Rumsfeld gone ?
Please don't make fun of The Rolling Stones. I love them very much.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
WTF can you buy for a penny these days? Bumpkis that's what.
Great points there CZ !
Made me LOL
"Crap or get off the pot" is one of my favorite new American proverbs.
In this age of medical undestanding, we know many people suffer from IBS or constipation.
It should be: "Don't get off the pot until you crap."
I always enjoyed the proverbs that contradicted each other. Like "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and "out of sight, out of mind." You can't win!
-- david
Thanks for putting a nice, sharp, jaded perspective on those annoying little sayings. Annoying little sayings that I do find myself using...
Curare,
I have a blog that I'll be posting on more frequently.
www.300treasures.blogspot.com
LOL!
Absence certainly didn't make my heart grow fonder when I studied abroad 9 years ago for my junior year of college. But I discovered that absence made my then-boyfriend's loins grow horny and he cheated on me with one of my sorority sisters.
No, I'm not bitter or anything. Really.
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