God Bless Us,
Everyone
Could Jesus have been a gay vampire?
This was a topic of discussion among a group of friends recently. Well, not really a topic of discussion...but rather a derivation of a weird comment made by yours truly. But it DID get me thinking.
Now, if you’re going to be offended at my jibes at religion, then stop reading now. I’m only going to offend you, if I haven’t already. If you’re an atheist, you probably won’t care about what you read, so read on. And if you’re an anarchist, well, forward this on to all of your Christian friends.
At any rate, here are my thoughts:
The obvious signs that point to Jesus being a vampire are well known and have been discussed in much detail:
(1) Resurrection. This is an easy one folks.
(2) The meal of flesh and blood. ‘Nuff said.
The not so obvious signs?
(1) The Roman soldier who staked Jesus in the side/heart with a spear. There are different theories here. The first is that this was a mercy killing, which has been likened to a need to “stake” a vampire to kill him. The second theory is that this soldier was condemned to a life of endless wandering, after contact with the blood of Jesus makes him immortal. This is explored in a series of fictional books written by Barry Sadler chronicling the life of this soldier, whom he dubbed Casca, the Eternal Soldier. I read these when I was in high school. Interesting topics, although I didn’t make the vampire connection until now.
(2) Jesus' transformation into a dove. Ok, so this one has a little less support. It's unclear (the reference occurs around John 1:32) whether this is Jesus transforming into a dove or if the dove is God's messenger. If it was the former, this physical transformation into a flying being has much support in vampiric lore. True vampires are able to shape shift into any form...not just the form of bats. I haven't heard anything about blood thirsty doves recently, although see The Phoenix's blog here about blood thirsty rabbits. Maybe this is just the beginning.
Ok, so Jesus may have been a vampire. But what about the tie between Jesus and homosexuality? Consider this:
(1) The movie Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. I haven’t seen this, but apparently the premise involves the Lamb being called to Ottawa to save Canadian lesbians. Although He’s a “vampire hunter” in this depiction, this doesn’t negate the argument that He may well have been a vampire himself. After all, that storyline has been told before, e.g., Blade.
(2) Anne Rice. Although people believe that Anne Rice’s recent jump from preternatural subjects to religion is a stretch – I don’t buy it. Her prolific writing on both homosexuality (ala Cry to Heaven) and Vampires is just too much to be a mere coincidence. And this “new” search into creationism isn’t her first foray into the world of Jesus. Do you remember the scene where the vampire LeStat sucks the lifeblood out of Jesus in Memnoch the Devil? Hello?! How do you think Jesus BECAME a vampire? Anne Rice made him that way people!
(3) This one requires you NOT to believe that the Holy Grail is Mary Magdelene's blood line. So leave Dan Brown's books at the door. Some people have claimed that since Jesus didn't have a wife and surrounded himself by male disciples...well...what red blooded man would do that if he weren't trying to, well, you know?
(4) In connection with #3 above, if Catholic priests are trying to live in the image of God and Jesus...well then, there you have it.
My conclusions have been drawn. As I leave you to your own thoughts on the issue, I also leave you with a short list of other resources:
Jesus Was Gother Than You. A funny take on the topic that I tried hard not to duplicate, but wish I had come up with first.
A two book series: Vampire Vow and Vampire Thrall , by Michael Schiefelbein. Explore the author’s take on Jesus being gay and a vampire.
The Last Days of Christ the Vampire, by J.G. Eccarius. The title says it all.
This was a topic of discussion among a group of friends recently. Well, not really a topic of discussion...but rather a derivation of a weird comment made by yours truly. But it DID get me thinking.
Now, if you’re going to be offended at my jibes at religion, then stop reading now. I’m only going to offend you, if I haven’t already. If you’re an atheist, you probably won’t care about what you read, so read on. And if you’re an anarchist, well, forward this on to all of your Christian friends.
At any rate, here are my thoughts:
The obvious signs that point to Jesus being a vampire are well known and have been discussed in much detail:
(1) Resurrection. This is an easy one folks.
(2) The meal of flesh and blood. ‘Nuff said.
The not so obvious signs?
(1) The Roman soldier who staked Jesus in the side/heart with a spear. There are different theories here. The first is that this was a mercy killing, which has been likened to a need to “stake” a vampire to kill him. The second theory is that this soldier was condemned to a life of endless wandering, after contact with the blood of Jesus makes him immortal. This is explored in a series of fictional books written by Barry Sadler chronicling the life of this soldier, whom he dubbed Casca, the Eternal Soldier. I read these when I was in high school. Interesting topics, although I didn’t make the vampire connection until now.
(2) Jesus' transformation into a dove. Ok, so this one has a little less support. It's unclear (the reference occurs around John 1:32) whether this is Jesus transforming into a dove or if the dove is God's messenger. If it was the former, this physical transformation into a flying being has much support in vampiric lore. True vampires are able to shape shift into any form...not just the form of bats. I haven't heard anything about blood thirsty doves recently, although see The Phoenix's blog here about blood thirsty rabbits. Maybe this is just the beginning.
Ok, so Jesus may have been a vampire. But what about the tie between Jesus and homosexuality? Consider this:
(1) The movie Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. I haven’t seen this, but apparently the premise involves the Lamb being called to Ottawa to save Canadian lesbians. Although He’s a “vampire hunter” in this depiction, this doesn’t negate the argument that He may well have been a vampire himself. After all, that storyline has been told before, e.g., Blade.
(2) Anne Rice. Although people believe that Anne Rice’s recent jump from preternatural subjects to religion is a stretch – I don’t buy it. Her prolific writing on both homosexuality (ala Cry to Heaven) and Vampires is just too much to be a mere coincidence. And this “new” search into creationism isn’t her first foray into the world of Jesus. Do you remember the scene where the vampire LeStat sucks the lifeblood out of Jesus in Memnoch the Devil? Hello?! How do you think Jesus BECAME a vampire? Anne Rice made him that way people!
(3) This one requires you NOT to believe that the Holy Grail is Mary Magdelene's blood line. So leave Dan Brown's books at the door. Some people have claimed that since Jesus didn't have a wife and surrounded himself by male disciples...well...what red blooded man would do that if he weren't trying to, well, you know?
(4) In connection with #3 above, if Catholic priests are trying to live in the image of God and Jesus...well then, there you have it.
My conclusions have been drawn. As I leave you to your own thoughts on the issue, I also leave you with a short list of other resources:
Jesus Was Gother Than You. A funny take on the topic that I tried hard not to duplicate, but wish I had come up with first.
A two book series: Vampire Vow and Vampire Thrall , by Michael Schiefelbein. Explore the author’s take on Jesus being gay and a vampire.
The Last Days of Christ the Vampire, by J.G. Eccarius. The title says it all.
You were poisoned by Curare_Z at 5:55 AM
6 Death Spasms:
When I first read the title of your post, I thought it was going to be about Charles Dickens. Then I read the first line and choked on a potato chip.
We live in a funny world :)
I think I choked on Siren's potato chip, because I certainly choked on something as I read this.
You've got some serious explaining to do for this offensive garbage. What kind of an infidel are you? Where did you think you could get away with committing such blasphemy? How can you look at yourself in the mirror after engaging in such character assassination?
Your comparison of vampires to Jesus is SO unfair to vampires.
-- david
Siren: GOTCHA. :-) Hope you didn't need the Heimlich.
DA: I don't want to know how you got a hold of Siren's potato chip.
And, by the way, nobody is gother than you DA. NOBODY.
I think Moses was the world's first ninja.
And here I thought all along Jesus was a Wolfman/Werewolf type...
Phoenix: that explains the walking on water bit.
Rocky: Well, that is a theory too...he is depicted as quite hairy. But that would make a nickname like "The Lamb" very ironic, wouldn't it?
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