I'm Back...And This Will NOT Be a Mommy Blog, HOWEVER...

Hello blogsphere. I have returned. *takes a bow*

This whole "mommy" thing is quite time consuming! But, now that Emma's almost 4 months old, I feel like I can get back to my pre-baby pursuits.

That being said, Phoenix asked if this was going to become a mommy blog. The definitive answer is NO. I can't say I'm not going to share funny, sad, sappy, whatever stories with you all from time to time...but in general, the there's something not quite "poisonous" about how damn cute my daughter is. Plus, I need to talk about something OTHER than how cute she is.

So, I hope you'll all come back and visit from time to time for more Poisonous Points.

P.S. Here's an updated pic of my daughter, because, well, she is so damn cute.

This Time I Have a Good Excuse....

So, this time I have a good excuse for not posting in awhile. It's not that my muse left me, or that I was just too tied up with work.

Nope, this time, I think you all HAVE to forgive me. After all, I GAVE BIRTH.

Yup, that's right. I'm now officially a mom. My little munchkin was born 4 weeks and 2 days early. Good news is, she's TOTALLY and completely healthy. Just see for yourself:

Name: Emma Mei (pronounced "May," it means "beautiful" in Chinese)
Birth date: Saturday, February 3, 2007
Birth time: 8:54 a.m.
Weight: 5 lbs, 11 oz
Length: 19 inches

Being a mom is completely strange and surreal. I'm still adjusting to it, given that I lost a whole month of preparation for her arrival. I didn't even have my bags packed for the hospital because I was going to "do it over the weekend." When my water broke at 3:15 a.m. on that Saturday morning, however, I realized that things were NOT going to go as I planned. I'm sure this is just a precursor to what having a child is like anyway.

But I wouldn't change a thing. My labor was relatively easy, so I won't share the details with you. After all, I've already received several hateful glances from friends when they find out I only labored for about 4 hours for my first child.

Anyway -- I've got to run. It's time to feed Emma. I hope you are all doing well!!!

Die Happy

I'm tired. Extremely tired. And everyone keeps telling me, "just wait, it's worse after the baby is born." Yeah right.

Since I have little to no energy, I offer this link for your reading (or other kind of) pleasure: At least you could die happy.

Cool Gift

Wednesday was The Antidote's birthday. Among the cool gifts that he got was one from none other than David Amulet and his lovely wife. They gave him a game called Would You Rather...?.

But, to suit our tastes, it was the "sick and twisted" version.

The whole point of the game is to get people to talk about really bizarre situations that you would rarely (if ever) find yourself in. In fact, the game instructions (damn lawyers) tell you to NEVER act our the situations posed...as they may harm or kill you. Nice.

Sounds weird, but it's freakin' hilarious. So last night, it being a week night and all, we decided NOT to play.

Of course,that did not stop me from reading some of the cards aloud to see just what this game was about. We then spent the evening debating:

Would You Rather...
if a man (women, switch genders for a moment)
be able to spontaneously ejaculate OR never ejaculate?

As a group, I think we decided that spontaneous ejaculation would be MUCH more fun. But then, this question arose:

Would You Rather...
stand naked for 5 minutes at the busiest airport nearest your home OR be caught masturbating by a member of the opposite sex?

The spontaneous ejaculation would certainly be an issue in either of these situations, no?

Of course not all the questions involved things of such an...um...intimate nature. There was also:

Would You Rather...
eat 3 barrels of dead flies over two weeks
OR eat 20 lbs of moldy bacon?

DA's wife and I decided that eating a barrel of dead flies would probably be better because, after awhile, they would just be like the handfuls of peanuts you eat when you go to those restaurants that let you leave peanut shells on the floor. DA and The Antidote, however, felt that 20 lbs of moldy bacon was certainly less problematic than dead flies.

As you can tell -- this can lead to some interesting dinner conversation.....

The floor is now open for any other Would you Rathers... that come to mind...

What Would Jesus Sell (or Buy)?

I'm not anti-religious. I just don't know much about it. I didn't have much religious training when I was young, so I really feel like I don't know enough about the topic to discuss it intelligently. So, I don't, generally.

That being said, I recently ran across an article, though, that has left me perplexed. Apparently there is a new trend to tie in faith with fitness. I understand the premise. But don't these smack of infomercials-gone-bad:

The Lord's Gym: Where "instructors shout out stimulating quotations from scripture" and you can take praise-rcise and yo-god classes.

Body By God: a 40-day program to teach people how to "achieve the highest level of performance from God's handiwork."

What Would Jesus Eat: Um...Bread and wine?

The Prayer Diet: With riveting chapters such as "weight loss through prayer." Is this like the scene in "Are you There God, It's Me Margaret" when she chants "I must, I must, I must increase my bust?"

The Hallelujah Diet: Teaching God's original plan for health and healing. The list of foods to be avoided is longer than the list of foods you can eat. Sounds strangely like starvation to me...

Forget cleanliness being next to godliness. Today's mantra? Commercialism is next to godliness.

May I Please Have an Order of Crazy with a Side of Psycho for 2007?

Welcome to 2007 everyone. I hope you all partook of some safe and happy New Year celebrations. Ringing in the New Year is always something of a bitter sweet moment for me. I love the aspect of something new, something unpredictable being right around the corner. But the prospect of saying goodbye to another year, is well, a little sad.

2006 was an great year for me....but a conversation -- ok, a total freak out -- I had on New Year's Even has begun to make me feel a little uneasy about my state of mind for 2007.

***************
The Antidote, I, and 4 other friends decided we wanted to ring in the New Year at a party in downtown D.C. We figured it might be our last chance to "really" do this right for awhile being that I'm "with child" and all. Plus, any reason to dress up and make fun of other people's fashion sense, right?

At any rate, The Antidote and I were having everyone over to the house for pre-party munchies, drinks, etc. So, we spent most of the morning on December 31 cleaning the house up. At about 10:00 a.m., I ask The Antidote if he's hungry.

He replies that he's "getting there." I reply, "Well, I need to eat something."

***************
Now, about 3-4 months ago (when I was only 3-4 months preggo) the phrase "I need to eat something," really meant, "If I don't eat something in the next five minutes, I will turn into the little girl from The Exorcist until some sort of sustenance passes my lips." Any of you that have been pregnant or around pregnant people get this.

Well, now that I'm in my 7th month, when I say "I need to eat something," it generally means we have AT LEAST a 30 minute to one hour window before I go all kooky.

Poor Antidote, however, is unaware of this change because, well, why should he be?

Anyway, back to my story.

***************
So, the Antidote jumps into self-preservation mode. He runs to the kitchen and starts listing all of things that we have in the house that I could possibly eat. He stops short of offering to cook up our dog.

Of course, nothing that he offers me sounds like what I want to eat. So, I stand in the kitchen, unable to make a decision. After a few minutes of this, The Antidote sighs and says, "You are being SO indecisive!" and leaves the kitchen to continue house preparations.

I become exasperated with him...and myself. So, I march upstairs to put on some clothes (I was in my pajamas, not naked. Naked pregnant is NOT like Demi Moore would lead you to believe). I've decided that I'm going to the store...and while there I will think about what I want and then eat it. But, of course, I don't share this epiphany with The Antidote.

So, he shouts from downstairs, still unbeknownst of my decision, "Are you going to eat something?"

I yell back, "I'm just going to go to the store."

At this point, he is really irritated with me. So, he comes upstairs and says, "Why don't you eat something? We have plenty here."

And this, my friends, is where I go crazy. I start to cry. And not just tears streaming down my face. I really start to sob. I yell at him, "Over the last few days it's like I....well...like you think that I'm....damn it, haven't you ever been hungry and not known what you want to eat?"

No folks, what I've just typed is NOT meant to make sense. It is the kind of crazy psychosis that has been building up in me for the last 7 months.

So, his response? "Yes, but it's the crying over it that's worrying me."

It took all my effort not to try and lift our dresser and throw it at him.

***************
I really am telling this story as something "funny," but it does worry me a bit. I mean, "haven't you ever been hungry and not known what you want to eat?" What the hell kind of crazy thing is that to say?

I know, I know, "pregnancy hormones." I'm not one to claim that I'm a reasonable person 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. But to cry because I don't know what I want to eat?

I just hope this isn't a sign of what's to come.

***************
Anyway, that's my long way of saying I welcomed in 2007 with a little bit of crazy. I hope all of you had a different type of crazy time...i.e., falling down because you were so drunk and happy crazy.

May your New Year be prosperous...and may you always know what you want to eat when you're hungry.

I've Been a Bad Blogger And All I Got Is This T-Shirt...

Ok, what do I get for not blogging for a few weeks? Tagged. Yup. Tagged by my one-day-she'll-be-famous friend Amanda Brice. So, in the spirit of the holidays, I'll answer, instead of beating her up. :-)

Four Jobs I've Had
1. Cleaning tables at Arby's (I wasn't even allowed near the register)
2. Nuclear, Biological & Chemical Operations Center Officer (I knew this one would raise eyebrows)
3. Law Clerk for a Judge
4. Litigation Attorney

Four Places I've Lived
1. Huntsville, Alabama
2. Camp Zama, Japan
3. Ft. Leonardwood, Misery (oops, I mean, Missouri)
4. Boulder, Colorado

Four Favorite Foods (you mean I have to narrow it to 4? I just love food....)
1. Steak --- mmmm...red meat
2. Cheesecake, plain with strawberries on top, preferably
3. Pho
4. Mashed potatoes

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over
1. Grease
2. Fifth Element
3. Dune (either the new or old version...you pick)
4. The Breakfast Club

Four TV Shows I Watch
1. Heroes (damn it, no new episodes until January)
2. Scrubs
3. Miami Ink
4. What Not To Wear

Four Places I've Visited
1. Sweden
2. China (including Hong Kong)
3. Taiwan
4. Mexico

Four Places I'd Like To Visit
1. France
2. Italy
3. Greece
4. Australia

Four Websites I Go To (almost) Daily
1. Hotmail
2. Fark.com
3. Google
4. Blogger

Four People I'm Tagging To Do This
No one. I won't make you do it. Consider it my gift to you. Merry ChristmaKwanzaKah everyone.

The Devolution of English

I'll admit it. I misuse the English language sometimes. I occasionally puncture my e-mails with "gonnas" and "haftas." But by the same token, I don't think that the ambalance will supposably orientate itself in case of a mergency.

Some people would tell you that I'm just a snob when it comes to the use of proper English. As if my being a lawyer wasn't enough to make some people hate me outright. My argument, however, is that I KNOW the difference between the short cuts I use and "The Queen's English." Even though I'm a 'merican, I can choose whether to speak American or English, right?

Well, apparently the devolution of the English language is not occurring just in United States. A recent survey of teachers in the UK revealed that two-thirds of the test takers made basic mistakes regarding the placement of apostrophes, while 8 percent couldn't get the use of I and ME straight.

This is just plain sad. Am I being too harsh? Is it just a reality that our language will devolve into some bastard form of its original self? Will I, one day, listen to my grandchildren and wonder what the hell they're saying (minus the whole potential for needing a hearing aid, of course)?

Apparently we can't trust all of our teachers to TEACH our children the fundamentals. So, that leaves the blame with us for not making it a priority in our own lives.

I guess I'm not gonna take it any more. I guess it's going to be a long road ahead.


P.S. If you want to test your own knowledge, there's a link in the article to 10 of the questions asked of these teachers. Take the test before you read the full article, though, as the article contains some spoilers. I'm proud to say I got 10 out of 10.

When in Rome....

I LOVE cynicism. It makes me laugh...and this article was just the ticket for me. Instead of news stories about Brit and K-Fed, this author decided to address how different the world would be if "familiar, comforting homespun proverbs were literally true."

He picked "every cloud has a silver lining," "a watched pot never boils," "a cat has nine lives," and "the pen is mightier than the sword" to address.

But he just wasn't cynical enough, damn it. So, here's my own stab at weakening some old proverbs:

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? If you have, you'll know that the reality is that "absence makes the loins grow hotter." Now, whether you can keep your pants on or not is not the subject of this proverb...but my heart certainly never grew "fonder" upon absence. Maybe "bitter" or "lonely," but never "fonder."

All's fair in love and war.

If this were literally true, then I don't think we'd be in such an uproar about the Iraq war. I mean, after all, we would've nuked the hell out of Saddam (instead of dragging him out of a hole) and then said, "well, all's fair Saddam. All's fair."

Of course, if all were fair in love, well, then we'd either all be good looking (e.g., fair), or every husband that forgot a birthday/anniversary, etc. would be off-the-hook. I don't think that's happening any time soon. Sorry guys.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

This proverb is old-fashioned and needs to be changed to keep up with the times. How about "No insurance today keeps the doctor away."

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

This might be a stretch, but what do you think lead to Mick Jagger's "throat problems?" The guy's so old I think moss has been growing inside of him.

Plus, you've got the Keith Richard's brain hemorrhage after falling out of a tree to gather coconuts. I bet there was MOSS on that tree...come on folks, why else would this otherwise "healthy" guy fall out of a tree? hmmm?

What's done can't be undone.

Bill Gates took care of this one. It's called "Ctrl-Z" or "undo."

Plus, if this were true, then what would be the point of "sending a message to the President" by allowing Democrat control of the House and the Senate? The American public clearly is seeking to debunk this proverb by their own voting ways....


But enough from me....Anyone care to debunk any of their favorites?

Life's Lessons

So, I recently stumbled across this article, which points out the author's view on 8 important lessons learned from 80s cartoons.

The lessons include: (1) Communism works, (2) spinach is good for you, (3) knowing is half the battle, (4) trust no one, (5) it's OK to be gay, (6) grrls rock, (7) April O'Neil is really hot, and (8)if we're not careful robots will kill us all.

Extra bonus kudos if you can name the cartoons that taught each of these lessons without reading the article first. Sorry folk, no prizes on this blog.

I don't know about you, but cartoons in the 80s left me satisfied as an child, but now perplex me as an adult. In fact, the questions still burn inside me (and no, that's not the chili I ate for dinner last night). For example:

CURIOUS GEORGE: Just what was George so curious about? He just seemed to be mischievious to me. He didn't seem to want to get to the bottom of any societal questions or even want to delve into a greater understanding of his own actions. He was just hyper. That's it.

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: What made Alvin the leader? Why did Simon and Theodore follow him so blindly? Simon was clearly smarter and Theodore clearly nicer. Last -- why am I not embarrassed to admit I owned almost every album (vinyl baby) released by these cartoon characters in the 80s?

HEATHCLIFF V. GARFIELD: Why was there no trademark battle between the owners of Heathcliff and Garfield? Who could have eaten more lasagna? Who would've won in a cat fight?

RAINBOW BRITE: Was she the start of the whole "rainbow" movement for the gay community?

CARE BEARS: Just why did they care so much?

If these are the things that keep my up at night, I'm in trouble once my daughter is old enough to watch the Wiggles, aren't I?